I suck at this.

I keep forcing myself to go out, especially with groups of people that I know to be pretty lively, in hopes of getting to meet someone and that. Hasn't happened. Actually, that's a lie, last night at the bar some 40-something cougar jumped into whatever our conversation was about (I was kinda on the 'outside' of the group, making this easy), plopped herself right beside me, arm around me, and started talking about something. I didn't brush her off or anything, but I was pretty weirded out by the experience (not exactly common for me, especially because I hadn't even noticed her until that point) and I didn't really keep things going with her, so she left shortly thereafter. Perhaps I look older when I've got some stubble? Or perhaps she's just a cradle-robber. Whatever. The point remains that I suck at this. I still can't get myself to open.

I can come up with excellent "routines" though. I was thinking about hitting up the mall today, and in my mind came up with a great way to get in with some women.

Me:"Hey there, can I ask your opinion on something? Do I look gay?"
Her: yes/no/whatever - doesn't really matter
Me: "See all my friends keep telling me I dress like I'm gay, so I came here to get some new clothes. What would be a good place for a guy like me to get not-gay clothes?"

The idea is to get them to walk me to whatever store they suggest (I can use my recent arrival to the city as an excuse for not having any clue where anything is in the mall), and transition into getting them to shop with me, tell me what looks gay, etc. The stars have to align for the conversation to go exactly that way, because their responses have a lot to do with where it goes; but the point is the journey, not the destination.

I can swear up and down that that's what I'm gonna do, but I won't actually do it. I already know that.

All I need is the ice-breaker. But a big ice-breaker. Just the original opener isn't just what I need; but I need to get to the "they kinda know me, know my name, etc" acquaintance type stage. Once I'm there, getting wherever I want to go with them is easy. Getting there is the hard part. And I just can't do it. I don't even really know why.

Delayed Reaction

It's been a while since I last wrote anything here.  Truth is, work has been keeping me quite busy lately, and I've actually been seeing the girl I wrote about last time.  Dating, in itself, has always been rather easy for me.  I'm good at talking to women, and they usually respond excessively well.  My problem there was just in confidence, and not escalating and the like - but that was a pretty easy hurdle to jump.  I've got her really in to me.  There's just one problem...

She's JUST LIKE the old me!  Not as shy, but overly accomadating, too insecure to show confidence, etc.  I've yet to evoke any emotion out of her at all, except whatever emotion you 'show' during sex.  This has really brought me to a good point as far as becoming more confident in myself, though.  I'm starting to have fun NOT being agreeable.  I'm purposely pushing buttons that I know my ex would've fought me over, or any girl would fight me over, to see how far I can go.  And I'm enjoying it.

Start to ENJOY a little tension.  Enjoy not going along with whatever it is that she says. I fully realize that this may not be the best of experiences, because I do think I can get away with more with her than I would most other women - but that's okay.  The point is to have that experience.  You feel so much better about yourself after you've stood up for something, even if it's little.  I don't know about you, but I've backed down an awful lot, backpedalled like there's no tomorrow, to get out of trouble with a girl; and it doesn't feel good at all.  This does.

Just know where the 'too far' line is.

First Date

So, last night I went out on a date.  Not with someone I met through approaches, unfortunately, but with someone I met on an online dating site.  I hate admitting that I've even used one, but whatever - I met a cool chick cuz of it and that's that.

Anyways, we made spurt of the moment plans to go grab a coffee at a book store nearby, and spent the next 5 hours very slowly wandering and completely engrossed in conversation.  I was all proud of myself, putting every single thing I've been reading about to use.  I'd throw a compliment out there, then back it up with a joking insult.  Get her to open up by starting with "I" and then get a far more elaborate response.  Stood and sat beside her, slightly turned in, so I wasn't overbearing.  Followed the "let her love you" and opened up just enough to get the "awwww" but not enough to be the depressive sap.  The only thing I didn't get enough of was the kino and escalation, which I knew would be a problem for myself.

For the first half of the night I did nothing whatsoever.  My mind was focused elsewhere, and really I was more focusing on overcoming the conversational obstacles than anything else.  Right around the halfway point I was mentally congratulating myself for doing so awesome and I realized that there was that one thing that I hadn't been doing, so I decided I was gonna change that, even if barely.  Shortly thereafter, the opportunity presented itself, and "High Five!"  Worked like a charm.  Hell, later on in the night she even initiated one herself, which was awesome.

11pm and we both look down at our watches.  I'm shocked (both at the date, and the fact I gotta be up early the next morning) and we both suggest that it's getting late and keep talking.  11:30 we're still sitting, realize the time, and decide it's time to go.  We continue talking as I walk her to her car.  We stop there and keep chatting.

12:30 we finally part ways.  I give her a hug and kiss her on the cheek (still a pussy :-p) and she says "I'd give you a kiss but..." explaining her illness (she's been hiding coughs all night) and I take it as my opprtunity to save myself from being a pussy and tell her that's why I kissed her on the cheek instead.

Smooth operator.

Now, I was going to come on here and question how long to wait to talk to her again, what to say, etc; but as I left work, she beat me to it.  I looked at my cell and she had already texted me to say she had a great time.  I guess I was good ;-)

Fantasies

I have some of the greatest fantasies about being successful at this approaching thing. After every failed attempt to go out and talk to some women, I'll go back to a couple women I walked past and go over how the interaction I didn't persue should have gone.

Down where I'm moving, I only know a very small number of people - and they're all work related. After going out a couple of times with my boss and one of my coworkers they've rather quickly seen how very ballsless I am and have taken to making fun of me for it - which is both good and bad in their own respects.

I have this one fantasy interaction at a nearby mall that we go to go find some of the most gorgeous women in the state. We'll walk past a group of beautiful young women and my boss will challenge me to get a phone number. Being the type of person I am, and the way I can only assume I would be given some confidence, I say fine and go back and talk to them. I open with an "opinion" opener, say I've got a bet going with my boss about socks and sandals (or something equally stupid) because I keep giving him shit for wearing them. I play the cocky-funny and banter with them, building the attraction. I go to eject and get some contact info from one of them, and then just before I leave I kinda lean in and talk in a lower voice to one of them (not the one I got the contact info from) and give her the "my friend thinks you're hot, but is way too shy to do anything about it. could I get your number to give to him? I doubt he'll ever actually call. In fact, I'll bet you $20 he never calls." I figure something like that I'm bound to get a number, especially if I did the cocky-funny bit right earlier in the interaction. I eject, with 2 phone numbers. One for myself and one for my boss, and I tell him I was busting his balls there - just to get back at him a bit.

This is where I twist things a little. A couple days, or maybe a week later I get a text message from the second girl, simply saying "You owe me $20." I give her a call back a little later, find out that he did call, and then proceed to tell her to meet me for lunch to get her $20. Boom, now I've not only got a date with the girl I got the number from origianlly, but I've got the other girl going out with me too.

That's my goal right there. I don't care how anything goes after that point. I don't care if I'm getting laid, or if I'm getting any further than a date or two. I just want to be able to get that far, after that I know I can handle. I can do that. I know I can get that far. I can, and will, get that far.

I changed my life today.

So, today I changed my life.  As I've metioned before, I've been travelling to the US lately for work, as my company just opened up shop down here.  I'm very good at what I do, and these trips have shown that to the management, so they offered me an assignment to move down here for a year.  I took it.  I don't know exactly when I move, but it'll be relatively soon.

A big consideration for me has been it improving my approach/social anxiety.  I no longer have an "easy out" with my old friends or anything.  I have here, and whomever I can meet when I'm down here.  I also have a wing now, as the guy I'm here with (who's actually my boss) is pretty ballsy when it comes to picking up women.  I can learn a lot from him.

The other night we went out to a nearby bar.  I don't really know if he anticipated picking up women or not, but he sure does push pretty hard for me to get over this shit.  I guess he can tell it drives me nuts.  I spent the night staring at the beautiful women, and not saying a word.  At one point, we were over by the pool tables (because a girl he was interested in was there) and her less attractive friend was eyeing me up.  She even went as far as to place herself standing right beside me, hoping I'd start talking to her.  It didn't happen.  I'm getting beaten right the fuck up here, because I Know I can do this, and I Know I can do this well.  I know I can talk to women and get myself places so long as I can get over the initial 'hump.'  But I didn't, and he rags on me constantly for it.  I appreciate that, because I know it's only gonna push me to get better; but man....I wish I could do this just a little bit better already.

Today, we went to a mall.  The pretty girl mall, really; as it's full of high end fashion stores and the like and there are tons of hot women there.  There was one pretty cashier at a store that I had built a bit of rapport with one of the last times I was there that I wanted to get a little farther with; but again, locked right up.  When we first met, she made it real easy.  I threw a little comment out there and she took it to a 10 minute conversation about a nearby restaurant she loves.  DUH.  Stupid me should've offered to take her.  But I didn't.  And today was no better.  She was there, but not on cash, and clearly busy with other things - so I didn't say a word.  She walked past me at one point, and I was kinda hoping she'd recognize me and say something, but  no.  I don't even think she recognized me.  That was the point of no return for me.  As soon as I felt like she didn't remember who I was, it was no longer a 'warm' approach in my mind; and I can't do cold.

On the plus side, though, I'm getting a lot better at eye contact.  I'm an attractive guy, and I know I have women looking at me; but before that would always frighten me.  Like they're looking at me because I've got something wrong with me or something.  Now, though, I'll catch their eye and look them in the eye.  Baby steps....baby steps...

So now I have an entire year here of living on my own in a place where I know nobody.  I'm not going to go an entire year without meeting SOMEBODY....I hope.  My goal is to go home many times better with all this.  I know I can do it, but I just can't get myself started.  It is too frustrating.

Here's hoping the next 14 months go a little better on this front...

Home

So, I got home from my trip about a week ago.  During the week, I work evenings (till 11) so I really don't get out much at all.  During my trip, I had access to that wonderful Panera Bread cafe to sit and relax in, but there's no such place around here; so night game is difficult, and day game is even tougher.  I do try and get out to the mall and the like, but that's hardly somewhere I can go daily.  All that said, I have been out 3 times since getting home, and haven't used any of those to do any approaches.

I find it actually a lot more difficult being home than I did back there.  See, when I was back there I had perfect easy conversation with everyone I met.  "I'm not from around here."  I'd ask where the cool place to hang out was, or mention how I love going to places like Panera while I still can, or even just compare countries in various ways.  I may not have done much in the way of approaches down there, but I definitely did improve, and I got really far with my overall social anxiety in groups and the like.

But now that I'm home I don't have that.  All of those lines, all of those openers, even just "Hi, my name is Cameron" scream "STRANGE!!" to me.  Strange as in "omg why is this dude talking to me?" strange.  I want to keep the 'not from around here' tone with people and use it to find the cool places to hang out here, an an easy date setup; but even then I feel...false.  Not neccesarily because I'd be 'lying' to them not knowing where to hang out or anything, but more because the only justification I can have for not knowing is because I'm a fucking loner; or at least I have been.  "So how long have you lived here?" "Oh 3-4 years now" "and you didn't know where to hang out?" A) "Well I knew where to hang out, I just wanted to know where you hung out" (flirty, lying, scary) or B) "Yeah my work schedule keeps me from going out too much on the weekdays, and I usually end up out of town on weekends with friends." (true...ish)

I guess I just always assume I'm being given a shit test, and I hate the thought of being judged.  I am a very judging person in and of myself, and my worst fear is meeting someone who's just like me, and is going to judge me under the same light I judge the rest of the world.  (Hey, at least I'm honest about it)  The answer to this, I know, is that you're the one giving HER a shit test.  She has to measure up to YOU.  But knowing this in my conscious and acting on this in my subconscious are two very different things.

I do hope to get to the mall this weekend, at the very least.  I want to try running with that line at least once.  *I* think it's a great plan, because you can twist your words to be as flirty or as innocuous as the situation deems ("where'd a beautiful girl like you go to spend your friday night?" vs. "hey you know where a cool place to sit down for a drink is in this town?").  It worked with clerks and salespeople in Ohio, so I can only imagine it would here.  One can only hope that here, now that I know I'm not going to be leaving in a couple days or anything, I can convince myself to try for a date/phone number...

My First Approach

She wasn't exactly attractive. In fact, she was at least 10 years my senior and nothing I would ever pursue. But that wasn't my goal, at least not yet.

I was standing outside my work at the 'smokers pit' enjoying what has been by far the nicest evening of this trip. There were a couple guys on their break off on their own at a picnic table and she walked out. She walked over to where I was and then recognized them out there, so she called out, "You guys being antisocial tonight?" I didn't really pay any attention to the rest of their interaction (I was more focused on the jets passing overhead in the clear skies) but shortly thereafter I noticed the two guys walk past to go back into the building.

I don't really know what went through my head then. I know "hey here's a good approach opportunity!" was nowhere in there, and I really didn't think about the impending interaction as, well, an interaction. I looked back at her, saw her sitting there, and turned back ignoring it. Fuck it. I turned around, "Now you're the one being antisocial!" "Well, come on over then."

We shot the shit for a bit. I don't even really remember what about, it's not important. The point is, though, that I put it out there to start that interaction. And not only that, but the interaction went strikingly well.

STOP THINKING SO DAMN MUCH. I wouldn't have said a thing if I started going on in my mind about an approach. As soon as I start thinking I need to talk to someone so that I CAN approach, even that locks things up. There's a reason the 3 second rule works so well. You see the situation, you react with the first thing that comes to your mind. It's not about worrying how hot she is, how she might react, or whatever. It's just about seeing the situation and reacting.

It's all downhill from here, right? Here's hoping...

Women are insecure, too!

Imagine for a second that you're out running some errands, or studying in a library, or really anything – just going about your own business. You're involved with whatever it is you're doing, and out of nowhere a woman you've never seen starts talking to you. For the sake of argument, we'll say she's not very attractive. Not horrible, but not exactly the type you'd usually 'go after.' “Hi there, I just wanted to come tell you that I think you're cute,” is all she says.

...”What?” would probably be the first thing to go through your mind. Chances are, it would take you a couple hours to really comprehend what happened, and it would brighten up your entire day, don't you think? It wouldn't really matter to you that she wasn't the most attractive woman in the world; or even that you're not interested in her for whatever reason. It just feels good.

I think a big fear factor for a lot of guys trying to get themselves past this whole approach anxiety thing is being scared of how we might be received. Somehow, we seem convinced that telling a woman she's beautiful will make her slap us with her purse and call us a creep. Well, I don't know if you know this or not, but women are just as insecure as guys are. They primp and preen themselves, spend hours doing their hair and makeup, and try on dozens of outfits before they even leave their house. They want people to see them as beautiful, and hearing that from someone – especially a stranger – will make them feel like they're on top of the world.

Now, as much of a stretch as this may seem, imagine you hear how cute you are every day. You try going out with them on dates, and they're totally uninterested in learning about you, just trying to make due until dinner is over, or you're good and drunk, so they can try and get you into bed. Hey, that's not so bad, women want to fuck me everywhere I go, right? Don't you think that might get old? Maybe you'd feel kinda used, or shallow, or lacking in real value to people? I could very well be different from every other cock-driven guy out there, but I know I'd start to question myself there.

She's not just beautiful. She's a really cool chick. She writes some really interesting stories, or has a personality that brightens up an entire world, or maybe she's just got some really interesting views on the world that make for great conversation. She wants to know! Women don't just want to know that they're beautiful, they want to know that they're valuable.

It's not about whether you're going in with a direct “you're beautiful,” or an indirect question for directions; it's just showing her that you think she's valuable. Moreover, to have a successful approach, that you think she's valuable for more than just her looks. Even if, at the end of the interaction she tells you she's got a boyfriend or whatever else, she's not going to bite your head off. At the end of the day, she's gonna walk away feeling good about herself and really that's the best you can hope for.

Go out there and make her feel valuable, she's not gonna bite your head off. In fact, I'll bet she eats it up. You leave with a smile, she leaves with a smile, and everybody wins. Maybe you get a phone number, maybe you get an instant date, maybe you get an apology because she's taken; but at the end of the day you'll both walk away feeling great. Doesn't that make it worth it?

It begins...

I've been traveling for work and I told myself that this trip was going to be my opportunity for some real improvement. I'm far away from home, and - at least for this weekend - all alone. This is my chance to shine, without worry of ever seeing any of these people again.


The past few days I've been making a point of spending some time in the local coffee shop sitting on the laptop. I dont really have anything specific I'm doing there, just relaxing in a social place. Truth be told, I'm kinda hoping a pretty girl will make a point of saying something about my rather unique laptop; but I don't actually expect that to happen. I do this every afternoon after the lunch rush.

Yesterday was my first real grind day. I started out really easy, just trying to make some social talk with salespeople at a local store. I'm usually pretty independent. I go to stores with a good idea of exactly I want to buy, so I usually stonewall any salesperson interaction and get what I want and get out. Today would be different. I was just going in to browse, but when approached by the salespeople I made a point of engaging them in conversation; first about products, and then getting more social. I've been taking cues from seeing some other people around me asking things like "what kinds of things are there to do around here?" and the like. I did that twice before moving on and taking the advice of one of the salespeople to go to the mall.

In The Single Most Important Thing You Can Do To Get Beyond Approach Anxiety Eric's advice is to just get out there and do it, once every single day.
If you're anything like me, you can't just go out and do an approach - no matter how simple - just yet. So, I start by going out, just getting out there for the sake of getting myself more comfortable in social places. My push is to get myself to "Level 2," talking to people for contextual reasons - if only to ask for directions or the time.

So, I went off to the mall. It turned out to be a large upscale mall with a lot of fashion stores and the like. A really nice place. I walked up and down that thing 3 times trying to convince myself to talk to someone, anyone, only to eventually leave feeling rather defeated.

I refuse to settle for that. I need to get better, to do better, so I force myself out again later on in the evening. There's a bar nearby that I've been recommended to, so I decide I'm going to go. Now, going to the bar for me is already a change - as I can count the number of times I've gone to a bar on one hand - but this one is different. Now I'm going to the bar alone. I am so scared by this prospect. I drive past twice, doing large circles as I mull over my decision in my head. I'm quite literally shaking I'm so scared. But I'm gonna do it. So help me God I'm gonna do it, and I do. I walk in, sit down at the bar, and have myself a beer. I don't leave the bar that night, and despite a few opportunities I don't talk to a single woman. I talk to a couple guys, but they initiate the conversation with me, and that's about it for the night. I'm proud of myself for getting this far, but disappointed that I'm not doing better yet. I go home after two beers and tell myself I'm going to keep pushing.

Today, after my time at the coffee shop, I go out to another mall. I have the same goal in mind for myself. I walk through the mall some and don't really see any opportunities I want to press for, so I don't approach anyone. I do go into a store there and make a point of making small talk with the woman at the register. Very pretty girl, about my age, and yet somehow I feel like I'm 6" tall. I talk like it too, with her needing to ask me to repeat myself so she can hear what I'm saying. She EATS IT UP. Eugh. She had the most beautiful smile, and went into a real descriptive conversation about a local restaurant that she likes, and I'm just....stupified. I know I so easily could have pursued that conversation further, and quite honestly I bet I could've gotten a phone number out of her, but I didn't. Instead, I slinked away, keeping my head high in a show of artificial confidence. The rest of my time goes uneventfully, and when I'm leaving I walk by another perfect opportunity to approach two beautiful women and ask for the time.

I am improving, but I'm not there yet. I've not yet decided if I'm going to try the bar again tonight, but I suspect that I will - if for nothing else than to say that I did it.

Welcome!

Welcome to the Approach.

My name is Cam, and this is a blog I've created to detail my journey from a shy, introverted, and overall lonely guy to the fun, confident and social guy I want to become. I'm doing this using the many techniques and lessons that are discussed on Approach Anxiety.

Here's where I'm starting from. I'm a 22 year old single male living in Toronto, Canada. I've had a few relationships, most of which didn't last very long. One was very long term, and it's ending is the reason that I'm here today. I'm tired of the kinds of women I've been getting and I've decided I need to take some initiative to better myself and my ability to get out and meet more people.

I have never approached a woman in my life. Never gotten a phone number. None of it. I suffer from a lot of social anxiety. My fears revolve around how I'm perceived by those around me. I don't want anyone to think of me as inept or stupid, yet at the same time I also don't want people to see me as being too smart, and a nerd or a dork or anything else of the sort. As such, I often hide and act very quiet in social situations; in addition to my fear of beautiful women.

My goal is simple. Constant improvement. I want to eventually get to the point where I can open up and talk to anyone, man or woman - though particularly women, attractive women. I am taking control of my social life, and I want to choose who I date; and choose beautiful, intellectual, and overall 'cool' women. I don't know how long it will take me to reach this point, but it is a process and I know that. This blog will detail that.