She wasn't exactly attractive. In fact, she was at least 10 years my senior and nothing I would ever pursue. But that wasn't my goal, at least not yet.
I was standing outside my work at the 'smokers pit' enjoying what has been by far the nicest evening of this trip. There were a couple guys on their break off on their own at a picnic table and she walked out. She walked over to where I was and then recognized them out there, so she called out, "You guys being antisocial tonight?" I didn't really pay any attention to the rest of their interaction (I was more focused on the jets passing overhead in the clear skies) but shortly thereafter I noticed the two guys walk past to go back into the building.
I don't really know what went through my head then. I know "hey here's a good approach opportunity!" was nowhere in there, and I really didn't think about the impending interaction as, well, an interaction. I looked back at her, saw her sitting there, and turned back ignoring it. Fuck it. I turned around, "Now you're the one being antisocial!" "Well, come on over then."
We shot the shit for a bit. I don't even really remember what about, it's not important. The point is, though, that I put it out there to start that interaction. And not only that, but the interaction went strikingly well.
STOP THINKING SO DAMN MUCH. I wouldn't have said a thing if I started going on in my mind about an approach. As soon as I start thinking I need to talk to someone so that I CAN approach, even that locks things up. There's a reason the 3 second rule works so well. You see the situation, you react with the first thing that comes to your mind. It's not about worrying how hot she is, how she might react, or whatever. It's just about seeing the situation and reacting.
It's all downhill from here, right? Here's hoping...
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Women are insecure, too!
Imagine for a second that you're out running some errands, or studying in a library, or really anything – just going about your own business. You're involved with whatever it is you're doing, and out of nowhere a woman you've never seen starts talking to you. For the sake of argument, we'll say she's not very attractive. Not horrible, but not exactly the type you'd usually 'go after.' “Hi there, I just wanted to come tell you that I think you're cute,” is all she says.
...”What?” would probably be the first thing to go through your mind. Chances are, it would take you a couple hours to really comprehend what happened, and it would brighten up your entire day, don't you think? It wouldn't really matter to you that she wasn't the most attractive woman in the world; or even that you're not interested in her for whatever reason. It just feels good.
I think a big fear factor for a lot of guys trying to get themselves past this whole approach anxiety thing is being scared of how we might be received. Somehow, we seem convinced that telling a woman she's beautiful will make her slap us with her purse and call us a creep. Well, I don't know if you know this or not, but women are just as insecure as guys are. They primp and preen themselves, spend hours doing their hair and makeup, and try on dozens of outfits before they even leave their house. They want people to see them as beautiful, and hearing that from someone – especially a stranger – will make them feel like they're on top of the world.
Now, as much of a stretch as this may seem, imagine you hear how cute you are every day. You try going out with them on dates, and they're totally uninterested in learning about you, just trying to make due until dinner is over, or you're good and drunk, so they can try and get you into bed. Hey, that's not so bad, women want to fuck me everywhere I go, right? Don't you think that might get old? Maybe you'd feel kinda used, or shallow, or lacking in real value to people? I could very well be different from every other cock-driven guy out there, but I know I'd start to question myself there.
She's not just beautiful. She's a really cool chick. She writes some really interesting stories, or has a personality that brightens up an entire world, or maybe she's just got some really interesting views on the world that make for great conversation. She wants to know! Women don't just want to know that they're beautiful, they want to know that they're valuable.
It's not about whether you're going in with a direct “you're beautiful,” or an indirect question for directions; it's just showing her that you think she's valuable. Moreover, to have a successful approach, that you think she's valuable for more than just her looks. Even if, at the end of the interaction she tells you she's got a boyfriend or whatever else, she's not going to bite your head off. At the end of the day, she's gonna walk away feeling good about herself and really that's the best you can hope for.
Go out there and make her feel valuable, she's not gonna bite your head off. In fact, I'll bet she eats it up. You leave with a smile, she leaves with a smile, and everybody wins. Maybe you get a phone number, maybe you get an instant date, maybe you get an apology because she's taken; but at the end of the day you'll both walk away feeling great. Doesn't that make it worth it?
...”What?” would probably be the first thing to go through your mind. Chances are, it would take you a couple hours to really comprehend what happened, and it would brighten up your entire day, don't you think? It wouldn't really matter to you that she wasn't the most attractive woman in the world; or even that you're not interested in her for whatever reason. It just feels good.
I think a big fear factor for a lot of guys trying to get themselves past this whole approach anxiety thing is being scared of how we might be received. Somehow, we seem convinced that telling a woman she's beautiful will make her slap us with her purse and call us a creep. Well, I don't know if you know this or not, but women are just as insecure as guys are. They primp and preen themselves, spend hours doing their hair and makeup, and try on dozens of outfits before they even leave their house. They want people to see them as beautiful, and hearing that from someone – especially a stranger – will make them feel like they're on top of the world.
Now, as much of a stretch as this may seem, imagine you hear how cute you are every day. You try going out with them on dates, and they're totally uninterested in learning about you, just trying to make due until dinner is over, or you're good and drunk, so they can try and get you into bed. Hey, that's not so bad, women want to fuck me everywhere I go, right? Don't you think that might get old? Maybe you'd feel kinda used, or shallow, or lacking in real value to people? I could very well be different from every other cock-driven guy out there, but I know I'd start to question myself there.
She's not just beautiful. She's a really cool chick. She writes some really interesting stories, or has a personality that brightens up an entire world, or maybe she's just got some really interesting views on the world that make for great conversation. She wants to know! Women don't just want to know that they're beautiful, they want to know that they're valuable.
It's not about whether you're going in with a direct “you're beautiful,” or an indirect question for directions; it's just showing her that you think she's valuable. Moreover, to have a successful approach, that you think she's valuable for more than just her looks. Even if, at the end of the interaction she tells you she's got a boyfriend or whatever else, she's not going to bite your head off. At the end of the day, she's gonna walk away feeling good about herself and really that's the best you can hope for.
Go out there and make her feel valuable, she's not gonna bite your head off. In fact, I'll bet she eats it up. You leave with a smile, she leaves with a smile, and everybody wins. Maybe you get a phone number, maybe you get an instant date, maybe you get an apology because she's taken; but at the end of the day you'll both walk away feeling great. Doesn't that make it worth it?
Saturday, March 22, 2008
It begins...
I've been traveling for work and I told myself that this trip was going to be my opportunity for some real improvement. I'm far away from home, and - at least for this weekend - all alone. This is my chance to shine, without worry of ever seeing any of these people again.
The past few days I've been making a point of spending some time in the local coffee shop sitting on the laptop. I dont really have anything specific I'm doing there, just relaxing in a social place. Truth be told, I'm kinda hoping a pretty girl will make a point of saying something about my rather unique laptop; but I don't actually expect that to happen. I do this every afternoon after the lunch rush.
Yesterday was my first real grind day. I started out really easy, just trying to make some social talk with salespeople at a local store. I'm usually pretty independent. I go to stores with a good idea of exactly I want to buy, so I usually stonewall any salesperson interaction and get what I want and get out. Today would be different. I was just going in to browse, but when approached by the salespeople I made a point of engaging them in conversation; first about products, and then getting more social. I've been taking cues from seeing some other people around me asking things like "what kinds of things are there to do around here?" and the like. I did that twice before moving on and taking the advice of one of the salespeople to go to the mall.
In The Single Most Important Thing You Can Do To Get Beyond Approach Anxiety Eric's advice is to just get out there and do it, once every single day.
If you're anything like me, you can't just go out and do an approach - no matter how simple - just yet. So, I start by going out, just getting out there for the sake of getting myself more comfortable in social places. My push is to get myself to "Level 2," talking to people for contextual reasons - if only to ask for directions or the time.
So, I went off to the mall. It turned out to be a large upscale mall with a lot of fashion stores and the like. A really nice place. I walked up and down that thing 3 times trying to convince myself to talk to someone, anyone, only to eventually leave feeling rather defeated.
I refuse to settle for that. I need to get better, to do better, so I force myself out again later on in the evening. There's a bar nearby that I've been recommended to, so I decide I'm going to go. Now, going to the bar for me is already a change - as I can count the number of times I've gone to a bar on one hand - but this one is different. Now I'm going to the bar alone. I am so scared by this prospect. I drive past twice, doing large circles as I mull over my decision in my head. I'm quite literally shaking I'm so scared. But I'm gonna do it. So help me God I'm gonna do it, and I do. I walk in, sit down at the bar, and have myself a beer. I don't leave the bar that night, and despite a few opportunities I don't talk to a single woman. I talk to a couple guys, but they initiate the conversation with me, and that's about it for the night. I'm proud of myself for getting this far, but disappointed that I'm not doing better yet. I go home after two beers and tell myself I'm going to keep pushing.
Today, after my time at the coffee shop, I go out to another mall. I have the same goal in mind for myself. I walk through the mall some and don't really see any opportunities I want to press for, so I don't approach anyone. I do go into a store there and make a point of making small talk with the woman at the register. Very pretty girl, about my age, and yet somehow I feel like I'm 6" tall. I talk like it too, with her needing to ask me to repeat myself so she can hear what I'm saying. She EATS IT UP. Eugh. She had the most beautiful smile, and went into a real descriptive conversation about a local restaurant that she likes, and I'm just....stupified. I know I so easily could have pursued that conversation further, and quite honestly I bet I could've gotten a phone number out of her, but I didn't. Instead, I slinked away, keeping my head high in a show of artificial confidence. The rest of my time goes uneventfully, and when I'm leaving I walk by another perfect opportunity to approach two beautiful women and ask for the time.
I am improving, but I'm not there yet. I've not yet decided if I'm going to try the bar again tonight, but I suspect that I will - if for nothing else than to say that I did it.
The past few days I've been making a point of spending some time in the local coffee shop sitting on the laptop. I dont really have anything specific I'm doing there, just relaxing in a social place. Truth be told, I'm kinda hoping a pretty girl will make a point of saying something about my rather unique laptop; but I don't actually expect that to happen. I do this every afternoon after the lunch rush.
Yesterday was my first real grind day. I started out really easy, just trying to make some social talk with salespeople at a local store. I'm usually pretty independent. I go to stores with a good idea of exactly I want to buy, so I usually stonewall any salesperson interaction and get what I want and get out. Today would be different. I was just going in to browse, but when approached by the salespeople I made a point of engaging them in conversation; first about products, and then getting more social. I've been taking cues from seeing some other people around me asking things like "what kinds of things are there to do around here?" and the like. I did that twice before moving on and taking the advice of one of the salespeople to go to the mall.
In The Single Most Important Thing You Can Do To Get Beyond Approach Anxiety Eric's advice is to just get out there and do it, once every single day.
If you're anything like me, you can't just go out and do an approach - no matter how simple - just yet. So, I start by going out, just getting out there for the sake of getting myself more comfortable in social places. My push is to get myself to "Level 2," talking to people for contextual reasons - if only to ask for directions or the time.
So, I went off to the mall. It turned out to be a large upscale mall with a lot of fashion stores and the like. A really nice place. I walked up and down that thing 3 times trying to convince myself to talk to someone, anyone, only to eventually leave feeling rather defeated.
I refuse to settle for that. I need to get better, to do better, so I force myself out again later on in the evening. There's a bar nearby that I've been recommended to, so I decide I'm going to go. Now, going to the bar for me is already a change - as I can count the number of times I've gone to a bar on one hand - but this one is different. Now I'm going to the bar alone. I am so scared by this prospect. I drive past twice, doing large circles as I mull over my decision in my head. I'm quite literally shaking I'm so scared. But I'm gonna do it. So help me God I'm gonna do it, and I do. I walk in, sit down at the bar, and have myself a beer. I don't leave the bar that night, and despite a few opportunities I don't talk to a single woman. I talk to a couple guys, but they initiate the conversation with me, and that's about it for the night. I'm proud of myself for getting this far, but disappointed that I'm not doing better yet. I go home after two beers and tell myself I'm going to keep pushing.
Today, after my time at the coffee shop, I go out to another mall. I have the same goal in mind for myself. I walk through the mall some and don't really see any opportunities I want to press for, so I don't approach anyone. I do go into a store there and make a point of making small talk with the woman at the register. Very pretty girl, about my age, and yet somehow I feel like I'm 6" tall. I talk like it too, with her needing to ask me to repeat myself so she can hear what I'm saying. She EATS IT UP. Eugh. She had the most beautiful smile, and went into a real descriptive conversation about a local restaurant that she likes, and I'm just....stupified. I know I so easily could have pursued that conversation further, and quite honestly I bet I could've gotten a phone number out of her, but I didn't. Instead, I slinked away, keeping my head high in a show of artificial confidence. The rest of my time goes uneventfully, and when I'm leaving I walk by another perfect opportunity to approach two beautiful women and ask for the time.
I am improving, but I'm not there yet. I've not yet decided if I'm going to try the bar again tonight, but I suspect that I will - if for nothing else than to say that I did it.
Welcome!
Welcome to the Approach.
My name is Cam, and this is a blog I've created to detail my journey from a shy, introverted, and overall lonely guy to the fun, confident and social guy I want to become. I'm doing this using the many techniques and lessons that are discussed on Approach Anxiety.
Here's where I'm starting from. I'm a 22 year old single male living in Toronto, Canada. I've had a few relationships, most of which didn't last very long. One was very long term, and it's ending is the reason that I'm here today. I'm tired of the kinds of women I've been getting and I've decided I need to take some initiative to better myself and my ability to get out and meet more people.
I have never approached a woman in my life. Never gotten a phone number. None of it. I suffer from a lot of social anxiety. My fears revolve around how I'm perceived by those around me. I don't want anyone to think of me as inept or stupid, yet at the same time I also don't want people to see me as being too smart, and a nerd or a dork or anything else of the sort. As such, I often hide and act very quiet in social situations; in addition to my fear of beautiful women.
My goal is simple. Constant improvement. I want to eventually get to the point where I can open up and talk to anyone, man or woman - though particularly women, attractive women. I am taking control of my social life, and I want to choose who I date; and choose beautiful, intellectual, and overall 'cool' women. I don't know how long it will take me to reach this point, but it is a process and I know that. This blog will detail that.
My name is Cam, and this is a blog I've created to detail my journey from a shy, introverted, and overall lonely guy to the fun, confident and social guy I want to become. I'm doing this using the many techniques and lessons that are discussed on Approach Anxiety.
Here's where I'm starting from. I'm a 22 year old single male living in Toronto, Canada. I've had a few relationships, most of which didn't last very long. One was very long term, and it's ending is the reason that I'm here today. I'm tired of the kinds of women I've been getting and I've decided I need to take some initiative to better myself and my ability to get out and meet more people.
I have never approached a woman in my life. Never gotten a phone number. None of it. I suffer from a lot of social anxiety. My fears revolve around how I'm perceived by those around me. I don't want anyone to think of me as inept or stupid, yet at the same time I also don't want people to see me as being too smart, and a nerd or a dork or anything else of the sort. As such, I often hide and act very quiet in social situations; in addition to my fear of beautiful women.
My goal is simple. Constant improvement. I want to eventually get to the point where I can open up and talk to anyone, man or woman - though particularly women, attractive women. I am taking control of my social life, and I want to choose who I date; and choose beautiful, intellectual, and overall 'cool' women. I don't know how long it will take me to reach this point, but it is a process and I know that. This blog will detail that.
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